Spellbound

directed by Jeff Blitz and starring some really strange children

Follow a bunch of kids as they prepare for the National Spelling Bee.  The first half of the movie is backstory on the various kids, some of whom really needed to be slapped or at least one, you'll know who I'm talking about when you see the film.  The second half is the kids at the bee.  Yes, there were moments of suspense as we wait to see if the kids can spell "Crocodilian" (sp? hehe) correctly but after a while it gets kind of boring.  I've seen the Bee on ESPN and it held my attention for about 30 seconds, I'd rather watch the "jewelry hour" on the Home Shopping Network.  I would have preferred to see more footage of the kids when they were back home and like getting beat up in the cafeteria.  Also the thing I don't get about this whole spelling bee is like, after it's over, then what?  I mean if you've trained to be a figure skater and you don't make it to the Olympics well at least you can skate really well and maybe join the Icecapades....but what do you do with spelling?  I mean so you can spell  "flibbertiggibet"...now what...an exciting career in proofreading?  Join the professional hangman circuit???  

Love Don't Cost a thing

directed by Troy Beyer and starring Nick Canon and Christina Milian

Nick Canon plays a geek who has a knack for fixing Escalades.  He makes a deal with some girl to fix her car if she'll fix his reputation.  He then goes from Erkel to 50 Cent  in 10 seconds flat.  I guess it's not the worst teen movie I've seen this year.  Definitely don't pay for this one and don't forget the cheap beer, you'll need it! 

The Perfect Score

directed by Brian Robbins and starring Erica Christensen and Scarlett Johanson

Ok I never stressed my SATS this hard and I still got into Cornell...sort of.  This movie is a sad attempt at paying tribute to the Breakfast Club through a bunch of cookie cutter stereotyped teens trying to steal the SATS.  A big step down from Lost in Translation for Scarlett Johanson but a big step up from Swimfan for Erica Christensen.  The people who made this movie apparently cheated their way through film school.  Let me ruin the surprise ending by saying that none of the kids actually wind up cheating on the SAT.  Trust me, I just saved you ten bucks.

Capturing the Friedmans

directed by Andrew Jarecki and starring a really messed up family

You thought your family was fucked up?  I mean FUCKED UP!  Wow...I love the fact that this movie was supposed to be about children's party clowns.  This is one of the best documentaries I've seen in a long time.  The amount of home video this family has is unbelievable.  I haven't seen something this good since the Paradise Lost movies.  Be sure to check out the two hours of additional footage on the bonus DVD...or have a life hehe.

2 fast, 2 furious directed by John Singleton, starring Paul Walker and Tyrese

I know I usually don't review stuff  I've seen on video but I gotta talk about this one because the sexual tension between Paul Walker and Tyrese is just too much!  All the "you're my homie, bro" comradary between these two is oozing with homoeroticism!  Paul Walker is the new Keanu Reeves I'm convinced.  The plot was way too hard for me to follow with Paul and Tyrese working for the cops, then for some gang but then still the cops, oh wait now the gang people wanna kill them, now another gang wants to kill that gang.  Honestly I don't think the story matters that much in this film, what matters is people driving in reverse on the freeway at 100mph, cuz that's cool!  

The Matrix Revolutions

directed by the Wachowski Bros, starring Keanu Reeves

Is the Matrix: Revolutions the Gigli of sci-fi? Prior to seeing it I thought Episode 1 held that honor. The messed up thing here is I remember seeing Matrix trailers at the head of Episode 2 and everyone taking comfort in what they thought would actually be a good sequel. I sort of liked Reloaded but Revolutions pretty much sucked. First of all...what's with the lesbians? The entire army of Zion is trying to take down this giant machine making type thing and these two dykes (I'm gay I can say that!) come out of nowhere with a bazooka and down it goes. Then of course, they get killed. The one super butch girl was mad hot too! We waited in line to get in and people kept asking "Is this the Matrix line?" and I'm like "no, its the line for people camping out to see Elf in two weeks dumbass!" I mean really. They they open the doors and I'm telling my friends "push push!" Marvin knocked over a garbage can trying to get us choice seating in the front of the second section. What a waste.

Scary Movie 3 directed by David Zucker starring Anna Faris and Anthony Anderson

This movie was half a spoof of Signs and half a spoof of the Ring.  I chuckled a few times but it was a little too slapstick for me.  

Lost in Translation directed by Sofia Coppola starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson

I loved this movie and it made me very "natsukashi" for Japan.  They hit on everything awesome there except sticker machines!  I don't know why they didn't take a sticker picture.  Granted they were big when I was there in '99 but I think they still have them.  Also it would have been great to see Bill Murray play Dance Dance Revolution.  Anyway I love this movie not just for the Japanese cool factor but also because the subtle romantic friendship is played out so perfectly by Murray and the cute girl whose name I can't remember.  However, Japan was definately the star of this film.

Texas Chainsaw Masscare Redux directed by Marcus Nispel starring Jessica Biel and Eric Balfour

I am suprised I am not still shaking and able to type after seeing this.  This was the most fun movie I've seen since Mad Love was on cable last month.  I thought the fucking chainsaw was gonna come through the screen.  This movie is out of control.  There seems to be a strong anti-drug message at work here in that the only person who didn't die is the one person who didn't smoke pot.  That'll keep me away from the chronic that's for damn sure.  Partnership for a drug free america and leatherface unite!  Forget about school assemblies and your brain is an egg on a frying pan, show em this and they'll never take a hit again.  Ever.  

Party Monster

Any movie with Two of Hearts in it is gonna win me over.  Seth Green was great in this, McCauley Kulkin was a little over the top but I guess that's the point.  It was definately an enjoyable movie but lacking a lot of substance...but were we really expecting any?

Thirteen

directed by Catherine Hardwicke starring Evan Rachel Wood and Holly Hunter


Ok just because two girls kiss in a movie does not make it a lesbian movie.  But just because it's billed as a lesbian movie it will be bad...or so it seems.  This movie was bad.  The cinema verite style shaky camera shit drove me nuts.  I felt like I was watching some whacked version of "Kids" in one those rides at Universal Studios.  The message in this movie seems to be if you wear Paul Frank clothing you're a dork but at least not a drug addicted shoplifting bisexual teenage slut.  This movie was co-written by a kid and definitely reflects her teenage attention span to such things as plot and character development.  If you want to see this movie just because you heard two girls make out in it, then you deserve to sit through this schlock, that's the the reason I went to see it.

Freddy vs. Jason

directed by Ronny Yu starring Robert Englund and Ken Kirzinger


Jason plays the straight man to Freddy's stand up act in this one.  If you like this genre...then you'll like this movie, because really it doesn't take much.  Seriously they could have done a lot of cool stuff with this concept.  Why couldn't they do something where those annoying kids from "American Pie" wind up at Crystal Lake or on Elm street, oh wait all those people were already in "Scream 1,2.3", "Scary Movie 1 and 2" and "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer"...this definitely was a good fight but I still think nothing tops Tanya Harding vs Paula Jones.

Charlies Angels 2

Directed by McG Starring her hotness, Drew Barrymore


I didn't see the first one so I had no idea what the hell was going on but Drew Barrymore is hot and always worth ten bucks, in this case five.  I am 27 and got the senior citizen discount, according to my ticket.  Do I need Botox already?  Speaking of Botox, Demi Moore looked fierce but I'd still rather have Ashton Kutcher.  Lots of stunts and goofiness and hot chicks.  Go see.

From Justin To Kelly

Directed by Robert Iscove, Starring Miss Independent and Miss Independent Runner Up.


I did not pay to see this movie.  Anyway it was thoroughly entertaining....the ridiculous notion that Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini would ever have any kind of romantic chemistry is harder to believe than the ending of the Matrix Reloaded.  Someone from Entertainment Weekly said it best and had me laughing out loud on the bus for a good five minutes: "This movie is awful, imagine Greese being acted out by the food court staff of Sea World".  A must see.

The Hulk

directed by Ang Lee Starring Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly


Good except for the embarassingly awful scene at the end with Nick Nolte going nuts.  The CGI didn't bother me as much as I thought it would and I loved Ang Lee's comic book style transitions.  Jennifer Connoly is hot in a crunchy granola indigo girls kind of way in this film.  

X-Men 2

directed by Bryan Singer starring Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry


I saw this movie very late at night....and I did fall asleep towards the end, but I don't think it had anything to do with being tired.  Yes there are cool fight scenes and all that crap but the end gets very slow and tedious.  I think Hugh Jackman makes a great looking Wolverine but doesn't act the character at all.  In the comics, Wolverine is a wise cracking, womanizing, no shit taking badass mothafuckah and Jackman plays him like he's Peter Parker with a slight attitude problem.  Maybe it's the script, he never says "bub" not even once.  I wanted to see more of Halle Berry as Storm and definately more of Colussus.  Is it possible that there weren't enough fight scenes in this movie or maybe just that the non-fight scenes were so boring I craved more violence.  See, it's not video games that are making our culture more violent, it's badly written movies!

A Mighty Wind

Directed by Christopher Guest, Starring Eugene Levy, Christopher Guest


A bunch of hot air.  I really didn't care for this Christopher Guest foray into folk music.  The humor was too over the top and Eugene Levy's talents were wasted on a character from a bad SNL skit.  Rent "Best in Show", save ten bucks and laugh twice as hard as you did the first time you saw it.  

Daredevil

Directed by Mark Steven Johnson, Starring Ben Affleck and Jennfier Garner


I had the day off from work due to a snow storm and decided to see this instead of going to buy duct tape and plastic wrap.  In retrospect I can see that either venture was a stupid idea.  I loved the Daredevil comic back when I was 14 and could afford to buy comic books. I don't get an allowance anymore.  But let me tell those of you unfamiliar with the book something: ain't no way Daredevil be flyin around and shit.  Daredevil is a blind guy whose other senses became almost superhuman when he lost his sight.  He is NOT Superman.  That's what I loved about Daredevil, he seemed the most human of the superhuman superheroes out there.  The story here is paper thin and everything seems geared towards watching DD fight.  And those scenes aren't even that good.  I really don't like the CGI stuff at all.  Of course there was all this Matrix slowmo stuff that is way overdone now.  Please please can Reloaded and Revolutions come out already so I can stop watching this knockoff shit. 

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Directed by George Lucas, Starring Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen


Basically, if you love Star Wars like I do, then you will love this movie.  If you're looking for a well written, well acted, movie that effectively tells a story, shop elsewhere.  It's definately better than The Phantom Menace and some people think even better than Return of the Jedi.  So far I have seen it seven times and still love it.  

Spiderman

directed by Sam Raemi, Starring Tobey Mcguire and Kirsten Dunst


Much better than I expected.  But I felt like I was watching a cartoon the whole time.  All the CGI stuff just takes away any real intensity.  I long for the days when movies like this were live action ala Superman.  Yea it looked a blue screen but that was a real city in the background.  Oh well, the sequel should be good.

State Property

directed by Abdul Malik Abbot, Starring Beanie Seigel, Damon Dash and Jay-Z


This movie is crap.  The only reason I saw it is because it was too late to get into the three O'clock showing of "Brotherhood of the Wolf".  There is absolutely no character development, tons of needless violence, misogyny, and no likable characters.  I think the reason this movie pissed me off so much was that I watched "The Real World" earlier that day and got to hear Theo talk about how there is no way two men can be together without being disgusting.  He then proceeded to follow his penis wherever it led him in the house.  The audience at "State Property" were making audible sounds of disgust when a trailer came on for a film with a lesbian theme (albeit a stupid looking film called "Being Jessica Stein".)  I guess I'd had my fill of homophobia for the day already.  

In the Bedroom

Directed by Todd Field, Starrring Sissy Spacek, Marisa Tomei and Tom Wilkinson

I feel like this movie stands out more for the great acting than the great script.   It's very long, slow moving and heavy but it is a good film.  It definitely makes you feel things.  Depressed.

Vanilla Sky

Directed by Cameron Crowe, starring Tom “I am legally not gay” Cruise and Penelope Cruz. 

I saw this movie the weekend it came out so that nobody gave away the “mind-blowing ending”.  Now I know the secret too, this movie sucks. Ooops! Did I spoil it for you? 

Butterfly Effect

directed by Eric Bress and starring Ashton Kutcher

Ashton gets the ultimate punking in this movie as a college student who suffers from not your usual head trips.  This movie was extremely disturbing at times but does stir thoughts.  Ashton looks extremely hot but everything is just a wee bit over the top.  Eric Stoltz makes some kind of wonderful child molester but damn, even watching people pretend to make kiddy porn is just way to creepy.   NOT A GOOD DATE FLICK.

Monster

directed by starring Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci

Oh my god this movie is out of control.  Charlize Theron plays the role of a damaged white trash lesbian prostitute seaking vengence to perfection!  Christina Ricci makes a convincing baby dyke suckered by her own innocence but once plucked from the coziness of her aunt's house and her families homophobia realizes there's no place like home.  I recommend seeing this movie while drinking cheap beer.