Karaoke 101

I love karaoke and have travelled (part of) the world exercising my incredible skills and after years of doing it and watching others do it, I now feel qualified to list the top 10 songs that no one should ever do at karaoke. Maybe if it's your first time, you're nervous....you've seen others do it and think your heartfelt rendition of "Kokomo" is what your audience wants to hear. You've never held a mic in your hand and don't know how to handle it...should use your left or your right...everyone told you it was going to be painful (on the ears), is it better to do it with the lights on or slighty dimmed so no one can see you straining to hit those high notes in "Eye of the Tiger", should you move around or just stand there..etc etc. I know, I've been there...I probably started a little earlier than most but I grew up quick when it came to acts of over indulgent cheezy pop culture expression...I started this web site when I was just a wee thing. Hell I've done it in rooms all over this city and Tokyo...I got around...but don't let that make you feel nervous or inadequate...just don't do these songs and we'll all be sitting in the afterglow of your karaoke greatness.

10. Paradise By the Dashboard lights -we all love a good duet but not one we've been forced to listen to since our first high school dance...save this one for alone time in your Civic on the way to the cube farm.

9. Dead or Alive-At first it seems like an obvious choice...overdramatic hair band cheez ballad about a cowboy. Dig a little deeper...there's probably some Cinderella in that karaoke catalog...

8. Anything by Tom Jones-unless you're good enough to make people throw their underwear at YOU, you'll pale in comparison

7. I Will Survive-You might but we won't.

6. You Got What I Need-and it's for you to put down that microphone stat if you fire this one up.

5. Like a Virgin-when it comes to karaoke at least...

4. I Did It My Way-and if we did it MY way no one would ever do this song

3. The Pina Colada Song-I only know one person who can do this with the right amount of irony and charm. If you choose this song you might just like yoga and have half a brain

2. Living on a Prayer-large groups of karaoke novices seem to get really into this one...I'm usually not in those groups.

1. Bohemian Rhapsody-oboxiously long and way more irritating than you think at the time. When I hear people do this I sometimes wish I'd never been born too.

Ok so maybe I'm being a little harsh...you might be a great singer who can pull of any of the above with true vocal excellence. But guess what? That's not what karaoke is about despite what the numerous karaoke contests at bars and bowling alleys across the midwest would have you believe. Karaoke means "empty orchestra" but more importantly it means singing ridiculous songs badly. It supposed to be a bunch of people sitting around singing cheezy songs and drinking beer, not American Idol. No one is getting a record deal at the end of the night. It's also about performance and all of the above songs are for the most part already way too over done by the orignal artists. Even if you showed up with the cowboy hat and the six string on your back, Dead or Alive was already cheezed out enough when Bon Jovi did it. Go for those long forgotten songs from your youth like "Toy Soldiers" by Martika or pick the latest Avril Lavigne schlock and ham it up. But be warned, there was a time when "Hit Me Baby One More Time" was a great pick but it's so played out now you'd be better off going for "Im a Slave for You". People love a surprise at karaoke and digging up those great one hit wonders makes everyone excited and in nostaligic anticipation of your interpretation of a closet classic. You wouldn't serve Wine in a Box at your dinner party so why serve Celine Dion to your karaoke cohorts ( or anywhere to anyone at anytime for that matter although I will say I have a weakness for "My Heart Will Go On"). If you do insist on doing these tunes and your friends enjoy it then go on with your bad (eh he) karaoke selves. Just don't invite me.

Labels: Music

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